tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73834492925528382382024-03-14T11:49:04.601-07:00Abigaile Grace - The Father's JoyKristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-24952953133464055682013-11-26T20:56:00.003-08:002013-11-26T20:56:52.465-08:00First birthdayWaking up today, I could scarcely believe that it has been one year since I lost a child. <br />
One year since one of the worst nightmares for a mother came true in my life.<br />
One year since I had to say goodbye to my second daughter, Abigaile Grace, far too soon after I said hello. I was sad and a little angry throughout the morning, that I was preparing to go scatter my daughter's ashes, instead of picking up first birthday cake that would soon be smeared all over her adorable little face, and blowing up balloons that would entertain and delight her. I couldn't help but remember back to the mornings of Isabel's and Josiah's first birthdays, and think how there were really no similarities between those experiences and this one.<br />
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Shock and disbelief still reign some of the time in my life, that I am in the position of being a mother who has experienced the death of an infant, but I can only keep putting one foot in front of the other each day, and continue to live my life in a way that will help others to remember hers, and to draw closer to the One who created each of us in the palm of His hand with a unique purpose in this life.<br />
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I wanted to do something special to commemorate Abbie, so we planned a mini family vacation this to honor and remember her.<br />
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The North Shore of Lake Superior in Minnesota has been a special place to Luke and me since before we were married. We have been up there about a half dozen or more times over the years, always staying in a different location, but always at some point during the trip, finding our way to the town of Grand Marais.<br />
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We chose to have Abbie cremated last year, and so far her cremains have lived in a wooden box on our dresser, that plays the song "Amazing Grace" when wound. But all along, I have known that I wanted to scatter her ashes in a few places that are special to our family, and Grand Marais is the first obvious choice.<br />
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Luke is the travel guru in our family, so he spent days researching the best cabin for us to stay in this particular trip, booked it, and made all the arrangements. Love having an organization nut in our family!<br />
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We arrived on Saturday in the afternoon, and the cabin was perfect for our needs. Luke and the kids enjoyed exploring on the rocky (and somewhat icy!) shoreline near our cabin. The first two nights, we experienced windstorms on Lake Superior that even the locals said were very strong. The massive waves crashing on the large boulders along the shore sounded like a constant thunderstorm rolling all night long. I found this an interesting parallel to the journey of grief I have been on this past year. Sometimes I feel as if the waves beating against me are relentless, and other times they abate long enough for me to take a breath, look out past the waves, and even see the beautiful sky and sunset off in the distance. <br />
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A song has really been speaking to me these past few months during worship at church:<br />
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<strong><em>"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" (Hillsong United)</em></strong><br />
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<!-- start of lyrics --><em>You call me out upon the waters<br /> The great unknown where feet may fail<br /> And there I find You in the mystery<br /> In oceans deep<br /> My faith will stand<br /><br /> And I will call upon Your name<br /> And keep my eyes above the waves<br /> When oceans rise<br /> My soul will rest in Your embrace<br /> For I am Yours and You are mine<br /><br /> Your grace abounds in deepest waters<br /> Your sovereign hand<br /> Will be my guide<br /> Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me<br /> You've never failed and You won't start now<br /><br /> So I will call upon Your name<br /> And keep my eyes above the waves<br /> When oceans rise<br /> My soul will rest in Your embrace<br /> For I am Yours and You are mine<br /><br /> Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders<br /> Let me walk upon the waters<br /> Wherever You would call me<br /> Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander<br /> And my faith will be made stronger<br /> In the presence of my Savior</em></div>
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This could not be more true in my life, in the past and especially now. In the deepest waters of my life, where I am close to drowning, is where I have experienced the real presence of Jesus the most. So I will continue to look to Him.<br />
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This morning, to close out our time at the North Shore, we took half of Abbie's ashes and went out to Artist's Point in Grand Marais, where there are large flat rocks to walk on to get closer to the water. Due to the windstorm causing waves to crash over these rocks the past few days, and the temperature hovering right around 15 degrees (VERY cold!) they were too icy to get very far out, but we managed to get out far enough to scatter her ashes into the water, in a place where we will visit many more times in the future. We now have one more reason to call Grand Marais a special place.<br />
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<em><strong>Abbie, I hope you are dancing and laughing today as the princess birthday girl in heaven. We miss you terribly and can't wait to see you again someday. </strong></em><br />
<em><strong>P.S. Isabel is insisting on being the first one to hug you when we get there. I hope that's OK - it will warm my heart to see my two daughters embracing. And mama can wait her turn, because once I get you in my arms again, I may not let go for a very long time! I love you, little girl. ~Mommy</strong></em><br />
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Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-58986037099775879352013-07-30T22:10:00.000-07:002013-07-30T22:10:07.212-07:00Sounds of life, sounds of deathAs I sit here on my computer, browsing through pages and pages of baby loss blogs (these mothers and fathers help me through this journey, in ways I cannot even come close to describing), I hear my 3 1/2 year-old son crying from his bed upstairs (it is 11pm). I throw off the blanket and set aside the laptop, and rush upstairs. I know it is probably a bad dream, or he is too hit, or can't find his paci (he does this around this time of night, about 50% of the time). <br />
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I enter his bedroom quietly, but making a shushing sound so he knows it is me. He almost instantly stops crying but is still upset. I remove some of his blanket layers, because he does feel hot, and I grope around for his paci in the dark and hand it back to him, where he sleepily inserts it back into his mouth, all without opening his eyes. <br />
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On a normal night, I would now quietly exit the bedroom, because we have always been firm believers in teaching our children to soothe themselves back to sleep. But on this night, I pause. I kneel down beside his bed, take his hand in mine, lean my head on the edge of his bed, and watch him....listen to him. <br />
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He cries at night, which is sometimes tiring, because he is a little old to be doing this as much as he does. But I am more tolerant of it these past 8 months, because I will never hear her cry. I never once heard her cry. <br />
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He breathes, deeply, in and out. His lungs are working perfectly. Hers were barely formed, never working on their own, and at the end they were punctured and damaged from the wonderful doctors and nurses trying to save her life.<br />
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His heart beats, steadily, in his chest. Hers was so erratic when we heard it on the monitors in the hour or so before she was born by C-section. Her baseline was 190 and then when I would have a contraction, it would drop into the 50's. That sound, more than any I have ever heard, haunts me to this day and I can hear it, as clearly as if it was yesterday. It was the sound of doom, the sound of terror, the sound of a mother's worst nightmare coming. She was coming, and it was far too soon. We tried everything to stop it, but my labor was too far gone, my body that likes to pop babies out fast, was already progressed too far and she was under too much distress.<br />
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Our son has a major medical condition, not one that would be obvious to anyone around him, but a serious condition nonetheless. I have not lived in fear about this, for the most part. But tonight, as I knelt by his bed, watching him for many minutes, I prayed, in the very depths of my mama's soul, "Please, dear Lord, keep him safe and healthy. Please do not take another child from me. I am begging you. Please do not take another child from me."<br />
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I do not know where my breaking point would be, but I am hoping and praying I am never tested by the loss of another child.<br />
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Every moment, with every child, is absolutely precious.Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-65028543982316497802013-07-26T18:52:00.003-07:002013-07-26T18:52:49.732-07:00DifferencesThis week has been hard. Abbie was born eight months ago today. We got some disappointing news recently and are navigating life ahead and how that will change as a result of the news. I feel like I have been fighting back tears nearly constantly this week, like I am in some sort of setback in my grieving process. But I know that is probably not the case, as the grieving process ebbs and flows and will likely continue to do so for many years to come. This is what I am being told by baby loss mothers who are further past their loss and share their wisdom born of tragedy.<br />
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Differences in my life are becoming so noticeable now, as I move ahead and attempt to find my "new normal." whatever that might be after the gut-wrenching and heart-altering experience of losing an infant.<br />
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We had a garage sale earlier this summer, and all the baby/kid clothes from Newborn on up, that our kids have outgrown, were included in the sale. So much of it was purchased that I have nearly empty bins remaining of the few items we are keeping in hopes for a rainbow baby. <em><strong>Oh, how I wish that the baby girl clothes had been kept out of the sale, waiting for Abbie to grow into them.</strong></em><br />
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We are redecorating Josiah's room, taking down much of the "babyish" Noah's Ark décor and replacing it with "big boy" sports décor. <strong><em>Oh, how I wish Josiah and Isabel were bunking up in the bigger bedroom while Abbie sleeps peacefully in the Noah's Ark nursery that has seen each of our children through their first years.</em></strong><br />
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I took Isabel shopping today for back-to-school, and was tickled to see how she prances and flounces around the Mall of America, delighted at so many of the sights, smells, and sounds. She helped me carry the shopping bags, such a big girl! Trips to the mall are so much easier with children who can walk on their own. <strong><em>Oh, how I wish we had a child with us who needs to be carried.</em></strong><br />
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Luke and I are running in a baby loss 5K in the beginning of September. Abbie will have a memorial photo collage there, and she is my motivation to run. <em><strong>Oh, how I wish I were an exhausted mother of a fairly new infant, too tired and busy to even think about putting on running shoes.</strong></em><br />
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Life is different. I wouldn't call it better. But my attitude and perspective have changed. I cherish the moments with my children more than I used to. Fear has crept in a bit, when it had been at bay for so long. Thoughts are scattered and sometimes feel random. I don't know what the future holds, and feel out of control. I know I have never really been in control, and I am thankful I know the One who is in control. Knowing Him does not make me perfect, but it allows me the fortitude to be able to get through each day, one day at a time.<br />
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I miss my daughter.Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-22776638591255907782013-06-27T21:49:00.000-07:002013-07-15T20:51:33.375-07:00Abigaile - on the Seashore of Remembrance<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">At
8:00 this morning, I saw an email come through, a special one that I have been
anticipating for many weeks. I was so anxious to see the photo attached to the
email, but due to my busy day and some technology challenges, I could not
actually view the photo until I was home and able to get onto my personal
computer. </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">So at 11:00
tonight, I was finally able to open the email and view the breathtaking photo
that one baby loss mama (CarlyMarie on her </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><a href="http://theseashoreofremembrance.blogspot.com.au/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><span style="color: blue;">Seashore
of Remembrance</span></span></a></span><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">)
used her incredible talents to make for another. When it opened, I was
not expecting the rush of emotion that filled me, making itself evident in the
hot burning tears that immediately overflowed from my eyes and ran in rivers
down my cheeks</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Her name, <em><b><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Abigaile</span></b></em>, beautifully
drawn in the sand. Under a breathtaking sunset made up of hues of purple and
pink (colors I would have dressed her in as a little girl, for as long as
possible until she insisted that I let her choose her own clothes). I believe
that God was thinking of us as He painted this particular sunset, knowing that
her name would be drawn in the sand on this specific evening.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Her name, <em><b><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Abigaile</span></b></em>, that I will never
see written in childish scrawl as she learns to pen her letters.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Her name, <strong><i><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Abigaile</span></i></strong>, which came
to my heart so quickly after I learned, just hours before her arrival, that she
was a girl.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Her name, <strong><i><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Abigaile</span></i></strong>, which means
The Father's Joy.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Her name, <strong><i><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Abigaile</span></i></strong>, that I will
never hear her spell in an adorable little girl's voice, </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">A-B-I-G-A-I-L-E.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Her name, <strong><i><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Abigaile</span></i></strong>, that I want
to say so many more times per day than I do.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Her name, <strong><i><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Abigaile</span></i></strong>, that I want
to hear from the voices of those I love.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Her name, <strong><i><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Abigaile</span></i></strong>, which will
always be sacred to me.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Her name, <strong><i><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Abigaile</span></i></strong>, forever
imprinted in this breathtaking scene, by a fellow baby loss mama and a
beautiful artist. Thank you, CarlyMarie, for this indescribable gift, from the bottom of my grieving mama's heart. You have given me a gift that truly can never be duplicated or replaced. I am humbled with gratitude to you. May your precious son Christian's legacy continue to live on in these beautiful names and drawings in the sand. This gift will
be cherished for the rest of my life, until I meet my baby girl and hold her in
my arms once more.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<strong><i><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"></span></i></strong> </div>
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<strong><i><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Abigaile</span></i></strong><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">.</span></div>
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Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-53707385516741137592013-06-07T21:24:00.001-07:002013-06-07T21:24:15.217-07:00Honoring Abbie today - 06/07/2013Sometimes it's the little things...<br />
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I have taken lately to reading stories to each child individually before bed, in order to get some decent one-on-one time with each of them instead of spending the time refereeing disputes between them. So tonight, after Josiah was all tucked in, I went into Isabel's ready for the normal routine of one story, a Bible story/devotion, and tucking in.<br />
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I quietly enter her room and she is engrossed in American Girl doll play, mostly getting the doll (McKenna) ready for bed, choosing what she will wear, how she will lay in the bunk bed, etc. And it causes me to realize how much Isabel and Abbie would have loved playing with dolls together someday. And as I watch Isabel be a "big sister" to McKenna (she rarely plays mommy to her dolls but always announces that I am the mommy to both of them and she is the big sister), I also think how much she would have enjoyed being a real big sister to Abbie. So, as I watch my first daughter and ache for my second, I once again experience opposing emotions simultaneously. Joy and sadness, fullness and emptiness, celebration and grief.<br />
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So, Abbie, how did I honor your life today? By sitting down on the floor with your big sister, and playing with her and her dolls. We embraced the moment, broke from the routine, and I could feel you there with us. <span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">I read something wise recently about how your children are only this age for a moment. In an hour, they will be an hour older, and tomorrow, they will be a day older. Our time with you was too short, precious girl, and so until we meet again, I am going to cherish as many moments with my children here on earth as possible. At one point during our play, Isabel looked up at me and said, "I love you, mama. The most." Oh how I wish I had been able to hear you say those word someday. So because you can't say it to me, I will say it to you. I love you, Abigaile Grace. And I will make sure you are not forgotten.</span><br />
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So I am starting a shorter way to occasionally blog when I am not up to a full-fledged post. I will briefly post an entry that talks about how I deliberately honored Abbie's life on that particular day. <br />
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So today, May 27, 2013 (Abbie was born six months ago yesterday which is mind-boggling to me), I ordered a beautiful urn to place Abbie's tiny amount of ashes in. For as beautiful as she was, she deserves a sacred place in which to keep her remains that stay with us here on Earth. Until we can meet again in heaven and see her in all her wholeness and beauty.<br />
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The urn is a cherry wooden music box that plays, fittingly, Amazing Grace. It will read:<br />
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Abigaile Grace Christenson<br />
November 26, 2012<br />
Too Beautiful for EarthKristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-85314284025925716222013-04-14T22:10:00.002-07:002013-04-14T22:10:38.752-07:00Missing her alwaysIt has been over a week since I have cried. Maybe even two. That makes me feel...guilty somehow. Like I am getting over losing her? But I know, deep down, I am not. I still think about her nearly ever hour. She is, and will always be, a vital part of my existence. I have three children. <br />
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Why am I crying less now? I am not sure, but it does feel like the pain is less raw, less violent each day that passes. Our God is truly a God of healing.<br />
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I have had a lot of opportunity recently to reflect on the amazing blessing of family and friends in my life. I do not know how I would get through this journey without them. <br />
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Soon I think I will be ready to share the entire medical journey that led up to our loss of Abbie. I have been reviewing text message chains from the month of November, with close friends who were walking with me on the journey, and praying for me and for Abbie each step of the way. I still struggle with feelings of incredible anger toward my body for not nurturing this life the way that it should have. I still wonder if we had done this differently, or that differently, would the outcome have been better? Would I be sitting her with her snuggled up against my neck, being a personal body heater the way newborn babies do, instead of having both hands free to type this blog post? I don't know, and I may never know, but I still struggle with those questions. I know, as a result, I will be overcautious, overprotective, and maybe even extreme in my next pregnancy. For those of you who know me in real life, I ask for your grace when that journey begins. I will be focusing on one job, and one job only, growing the baby and keeping it inside for as many weeks as possible. This means I will back away from most other activities for the duration of the pregnancy, and relax and rest as much as possible. I know many women who have gone on strict bedrest and have been able to achieve this goal. <br />
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I visited the Body Worlds exhibit yesterday with my husband, brother Luke, and my brother's girlfriend Ellie. I wasn't quite prepared for the emotion I would experience when we walked through the Conception To Birth part of the exhibit, which was very early on. They had genuine babies, at very stages of gestation (everything from 2 weeks all the way up to 28 weeks), who had passed away and were preserved through the incredible process of plastination. The babies at 22 and 24 weeks gestation affected me the most. It was like looking at Abbie all over again, although they were chubbier than she was, confirming again for us that she was truly growth restricted those last few weeks in my womb. Again increasing my anger at my body. <br />
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Over the next months, I will get prayer for my body. I only want one thing from it. The ability to bring another baby far enough along in a pregnancy so that the baby can survive on the outside, and we can complete our family. This will be my fervent prayer from now until I see that baby's face. <br />
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Always missing her,<br />
KristyKristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-73743927453075138832013-03-24T20:33:00.000-07:002013-03-24T20:33:37.022-07:00March 24<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">Today is March 24th, 2013. I first laid eyes on this date, when I typed my conception date into a due date calculator, when I was just 4 weeks pregnant at the end of July 2012. Never would I have dreamed that on this date, I would open the bag of my daughter's cremation ashes, rubbing just a tiny bit of the fine powdery dust between my fingers in an effort to feel nearer to her. I am in the middle of the most nightmarish storm I have yet undertaken in this life. I want to go back to the innocence of never knowing the pain of losing a child. I want to go back to when due dates were happy days. I want to have my pregnancy innocence back. These desires will not be granted, and I don't know why. But I move ahead, choosing to trust Him in this storm. </span><br />
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When I got up in front at Abbie's service and spoke of the impact of her brief life, I talked about how I have prayed the same words about each of my three children, "God, please don't take this child from me." I spoke of how His answer was "yes" with Isabel, "yes" with Josiah, and "no" with Abbie. I often play the series of events leading up to her birth and death over and over again in my mind, and I feel like my brain, soul, and spirit is being wrenched between two opposing and fiercely strong winds. Each is like a gale, whipping at my body, threatening to pull me off my feet, forcing me to completely surrender to the sheer power of it. The first gale is the absolute, unwavering assurance that God is good. He is good all the time, even when I don't understand Him, even when I sit on my couch for hours, unable to stop crying, months after the death of my child. The opposing gale is the one that wants to drag me down into the endless depths of the question "WHY?!?!" I still feel myself asking this question multiple times a day. Do I believe her life will have a legacy, a meaning, a purpose? Yes. But I struggle with the question of "Why?" because I don't yet quite know exactly what that legacy will be. I don't know how her life will touch others lives just yet. And that's hard for me, to not have it all lined up in a neat little row, to make some sense out of the chaos. I know I want to join with other grieving mothers that I have met on this journey to help break the deafening silence around child loss. And I know I want our story to help spread the balm of Jesus' love to other hurting hearts. I don't know exactly how or when this will take shape. But I am waking up each day and living my life, the best I can, for my family here on earth and for my beloved daughter in heaven. It is all I can do, for now.</div>
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Trusting Him in the storm,</div>
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Kristy </div>
Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-33391392851426914052013-03-05T19:39:00.000-08:002013-03-05T19:39:20.488-08:00Who would she have been?I find myself wondering...<br />
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Were her eyes blue? Surely they were behind her closed lids, but would they have stayed that way as she grew?<br />
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Would she have had platinum blond hair like her brother, or darker blond hair like her sister?<br />
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Would she have been a petite child like our other two?<br />
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Would she have been a feisty baby like Isabel, requiring lots of attention, or a more mellow one like Josiah who was mostly content to go with the flow and watch the world go by?<br />
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Would she have been a good nurser?<br />
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What would her giggle sound like?<br />
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What would have been her first word?<br />
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What would have been her favorite color? Favorite food? Favorite toy? Favorite movie?<br />
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Would she have been bright like the other two, learning her ABCs, colors, counting, and letters earlier than average?<br />
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Would she have been a tough little girl? I think she would have been, because she was really tough in the womb, hanging on for many weeks in an inhospitable environment.<br />
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Would she have had a love-hate relationship with Ginger like the other two?<br />
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Would she have joined her sister in gymnastics and ballet, looking up to her as she learned new things in each?<br />
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Who would have been her best friend?<br />
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What kind of student would she have been when she joined our other kids at their private school?<br />
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What color would she have chosen for her prom dress?<br />
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What style of wedding dress would she have worn?<br />
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Who would she have married?<br />
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What would have been the look on her face as she handed me her own child to hold for the first time?<br />
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All these questions and more, every day. I miss her.Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-88351908226524511862013-01-24T19:49:00.000-08:002013-01-24T19:49:42.898-08:00We know the WHOSometimes as a blogger, a thought will hit me that I feel I should share on my blog, but often times I don't because I don't feel I have enough other "stuff" to share to make the blog entry worthwhile. I am going to try, with this blog, to get out of that trap. This journey of grief is so winding and unpredictable, that often times the thoughts and insights come in tiny chunks, itty-bitty but impactful, you might say very much like our precious baby girl Abbie who weighed less than one pound, but whose impact has been weighty.<br />
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So, for tonight, here is my thought:<br />
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I do not even begin to understand the WHY of what happened, but I am comforted even in my gripping pain, because I know the WHO that is holding Abbie even now. My Savior, Jesus Christ, saved my life so completely, when I was 19 years old, and in so doing, He saved my life once again as I journey through the tragic and unexpected loss of my daughter. I do not know how I would handle this without having Him to lean on. His power is made known in my weakness. Come Lord Jesus. Engulf me in your arms, along with every other grieving mother on this planet. Only You will someday make sense of all this mess, and make it right and whole.Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-86597095137372510672013-01-08T21:21:00.001-08:002013-01-08T21:21:29.586-08:00My daughter grieving for my daughterThis evening around 9:30, I was passing through the hallway upstairs and heard Isabel crying very quietly in her room. Her door was open, but she was crying so quietly that I could barely hear her. I stopped in her doorway as my eyes adjusted to the darkness and focused on her small frame in the bed across the room. She was lying very still on her back, with small sobs escaping her every few seconds. Isabel is a spirited and dramatic young girl, and usually when she cries, it is pretty loud and attention-getting in a way. But tonight, it was as if she didn't even realize anyone could hear her, and was trying to stay as quiet as possible. <br />
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So, of course, I padded quietly into her bedroom, knelt by her bed, and placed my hands on her gently. Her eyes were closed, so I was not certain at first if she was even awake. But after a few seconds passed, she opened her eyes partway. She had not yet uttered a word to me, and was still crying. I whispered, "What's wrong, sweetie?" To which she replied, in the sweetest little girl voice, "I miss baby Abbie," and continued to cry quietly. I had no words, and leaned down and gathered her into an embrace, wishing I could take her pain away, wishing I could give her the sister she so desperately wants to have back. We had a quiet conversation after that, and a short while later I tucked her back into bed and wished her sweet dreams and a peaceful night's sleep. <br />
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Oh my. Talk about melting my heart and breaking my heart in two, all at the same time. I am watching my oldest child grieve for my youngest child. I want to take away Isabel's sadness, and it is just one more reason, among so many, that I wish more than anything that I could bring Abbie back to this world. But I can't, and so for now, I will dry my child's tears and hug her tightly every chance that I get. But even while I dry her tears and hold her close, I look forward to the day when I will watch my daughters embrace one another, on streets of gold, and there will be no more tears of sadness in any of our eyes, and no quiet sobs escaping any of our lips.Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-61784054108092239822012-12-29T15:34:00.003-08:002012-12-29T15:38:04.238-08:00A beautiful remembranceOn Saturday December 8th, twelve days after Abigaile Grace was born, our family was honored by a service that could not have been more perfect to honor and remember Abbie's brief life. We were blessed by about 100 people in attendance, and felt incredibly surrounded by so much love, comfort, and support from our family, friends, church, and community. I also am aware of several who wanted to attend but could not, due to distance or other conflicts that day. Therefore, I felt led to create as close of a simulation of the service as possible on Abbie's blog.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj94qhLR8jK90SS0aiGBc8moxJ4pdE_fkuIgAR_ZwWlDiWGPYdNtHZLQ-e-8uYfN58pvqJ5UnjhYHjRQLX0Riq3IA4TeZKjkKpxBtnO0DW3D1KWyYN1FvbtGUuI3uQIk4F78HZHk9XZqKs/s1600/Abbie%2527s+dress+-+cropped+to+square.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj94qhLR8jK90SS0aiGBc8moxJ4pdE_fkuIgAR_ZwWlDiWGPYdNtHZLQ-e-8uYfN58pvqJ5UnjhYHjRQLX0Riq3IA4TeZKjkKpxBtnO0DW3D1KWyYN1FvbtGUuI3uQIk4F78HZHk9XZqKs/s200/Abbie%2527s+dress+-+cropped+to+square.jpg" width="187" /></a></div>
Abbie was dressed in a beautiful gown and hat (that were beautifully made by our wonderful next-door neighbor Kat Ryan, who is extremely gifted with a sewing machine), and laid on a soft, cuddly pink blanket that I had found for her to be cozily laid on. Inside the casket with her were a white teddy bear with a purple ribbon, a heart-shaped pillow, and a tiny heart-shaped necklace, of which I have a matching heart necklace that fits perfectly around the outside of Abbie's. These last three items were gifts from the wonderful NICU staff at Children's Hospital.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC_AloiiLtlPgyPn1iM0DTCQi5LKxSEM5YsRvUgGmSaxD3Y46zTMD92FrIJcZqJmf7XenzgG0LfmmJpXwptKQWh7GnHxUtmCzG-n5R4GrqZ0rtJyJ09NuUInWG_sXDsW-r5VRim7v1e-w/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC_AloiiLtlPgyPn1iM0DTCQi5LKxSEM5YsRvUgGmSaxD3Y46zTMD92FrIJcZqJmf7XenzgG0LfmmJpXwptKQWh7GnHxUtmCzG-n5R4GrqZ0rtJyJ09NuUInWG_sXDsW-r5VRim7v1e-w/s320/photo.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeVl9V6gnuMHsv5aAS-PNA8MF-RyY3oD1by5ksgnjid_nsW5GL_bBRveBmvvUsrulvl6nCOCG9zP1ccE8iQ_MrpExW5ttnUmruDNTmumRxC2myhUrNX7QLgWxLVHAeR34Xx9Y6UO0xGTo/s1600/IMG_0887.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeVl9V6gnuMHsv5aAS-PNA8MF-RyY3oD1by5ksgnjid_nsW5GL_bBRveBmvvUsrulvl6nCOCG9zP1ccE8iQ_MrpExW5ttnUmruDNTmumRxC2myhUrNX7QLgWxLVHAeR34Xx9Y6UO0xGTo/s320/IMG_0887.JPG" width="320" /></a>God is truly in the details - the day before the service, a gorgeous lavender blanket arrived, that Abbie's aunt Jess had ordered. It had been embroidered with "Abigaile Grace, 11-26-12, Loved and Cherished." We brought the blanket along with us to the service, thinking we would have it up front somehow along with Abbie's casket, photo, and flowers. We handed it to the funeral director when we arrived at church, and while we were greeting guests and not giving him any direction whatsoever, he went up and draped it carefully over the casket. It took my breath away when I walked into the room and saw how beautifully our little girl's memorial was displayed in the church. The blanket was literally the exact perfect size, and really made the casket seem much more warm and cozy, perfect for a tiny precious child. The color of the blanket also exactly matched the ribbons (which say "Daughter" and "Sister") that the florist had chosen to be wrapped around our floral bouquets. The canvas photo to the left was an incredible gift that was given to us by the organization <a href="https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/">Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep</a> and the gentle and talented photographer Stacey Buckett from <a href="http://www.buckettphotography.com/">Buckett Photography</a>.<br />
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The other priceless gift that was given to us by the photographer was a slideshow of the photos she had taken of Abbie with us in the hospital. The service was closed casket, so the wonderful staff at Hosanna! was able to take this slideshow and have it playing during the public visitation. This was important to me because I knew it would give so many beloved family members and friends a way to see Abbie at the service despite it being closed casket. The slideshow moved me to tears when I first watched it (in the privacy of my own living room!) and I know it moved many others to tears at the service as well. What a beautiful gift that our family will treasure for years to come. You can watch the slideshow here: <a href="http://video214.com/play/SbeX9cdN8uAuGBTLA1DyAQ/s/dark">Baby Abbie</a>. <br />
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And lastly, I have included below an audio-recording of the service, that Hosanna's tech team blessed us with. The service was incredibly moving and powerful for our family and I know for many others in attendance. While we would give anything to have our beloved second daughter back with us on this earth, we were so honored by the way in which her short life was so beautifully celebrated, and many times during the service I envisioned her cooing happily in the arms of Jesus. We never heard her voice here, but I cannot wait for the joy I will be filled with when I hear it for the first time, someday when we meet again.<br />
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The service was about 50 minutes long and I have split it into 11 tracks. Click on each photo below to listen to each audio track. If you don't have time to listen to the entire thing, I would encourage you to listen to Pastor Ryan Alexander's welcome and opening prayer, and also his message. God's love, grace, truth, and promise are truly present in the message. We are so thankful to have Ryan as one of our pastors at Hosanna! May God continue to use him mightily for His service. And may God continue to use the short, sweet life of Abbie, to draw others closer into His arms, where Abbie is resting today.<br />
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<br />Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-76072997187911561402012-12-25T07:37:00.003-08:002012-12-25T07:37:57.082-08:00Hallelujah! Light Has ComeDuring the past few weeks I have been spending a lot of time with Jesus, alone, in quietness, reflecting on our journey with the birth and loss of Abbie. I felt the Lord calling me to do this, to turn to the One who can heal my hurts, dry my tears, and help me to move forward from here. I am blessed with many weeks off of work right now for my physical recovery from the surgery, and have heard God's voice telling me to use this precious time to focus on emotional and spiritual recovery as well. So I have been obedient, and have seen the fruits of this disciplined focus, time and time again over these weeks.<br />
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Early in this time of reflection. I was listening to Christmas music on Pandora while sitting in a Caribou Coffee, spending time in God's Word and also working on some updates to this blog. The song by BarlowGirl, "Hallelujah, Light Has Come" came on, and stopped me from everything I was doing. The song is sung in the virgin Mary's voice, singing to her newborn son Jesus who will save the world. However, many of the lyrics resonated with me about Abbie's short life also. I chose to write this post on the day I heard the song, but not to publish it until Christmas morning, as we celebrate the One who came into the world to save us all.<br />
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The prayer of my heart continues to be that our precious baby, Abigaile Grace, will truly be her Father's joy, in pointing as many as possible to the Savior of the world, who came to us so long ago as the most precious Baby of all. Both of their lives were short on this earth but their impact has been far-reaching.<br />
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Though I still don't understand the full purpose of why her life had to
be so brief, I believe that heaven sent her to me, just as heaven sent
Jesus to his mother Mary and to each one of us. I look forward to the
day when I will see my beloved daughter again and when I will understand
fully, as I am sure Mary did when she arrived in heaven to greet once
again her beloved Son.<br />
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Peace and joy to each of you this Christmas - may you experience the true presence of Jesus, the Light who has come.<br />
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~KristyKristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-72898451841770504872012-12-24T06:05:00.000-08:002012-12-24T06:05:09.493-08:00Celebrating life on Isabel's birthdayFive years ago today, I became a mother to my first daughter, Isabel Noelle.<br />
Four weeks ago today, I became a mother to my second daughter, Abigaile Grace.<br />
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It's incredible the waves of emotions that I go through right now on a daily basis. Last Friday I was driving birthday treats to Isabel's school to share with her classmates, and when I was about ten minutes away from the school, I could barely fight back the tears. I was thinking about how I can't believe how fast the past five years have flown by, and how I would not trade a single day I have had with the incredible privilege of mothering my children. I was also thinking how sad I was that I would never be sending birthday treats to a school class for Abbie.<br />
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Birthdays have a new meaning for me all of a sudden. Life is so precious, and can be taken from us in an instant, so I feel we need to truly celebrate when one of our loved ones reaches another birthday. So today, we celebrate our firstborn, even while we still mourn the loss of our youngest. Isabel has blessed our lives many times over, and I am so incredibly grateful for her life.<br />
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Isabel loves being a big sister, and she is just tickled right now anytime she sees a baby. I am thankful for the short time she had with Abbie, and for the daily experiences she has being a big sister to Josiah.<br />
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Happy 5th birthday Isabel! We are going to make your day as special as we possibly can, and I am sure your baby sister is smiling down on you from above today.<br />
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<br />Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-40788261987506357252012-12-14T19:49:00.001-08:002012-12-14T19:49:24.671-08:00Groaning in anguish of heartOh how my heart is heavy this day. Our family lost a child just 18 days ago. She was a daughter...a sister...a grandchild...a niece...and we miss her terribly.<br />
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Twenty other precious, innocent children were lost today, due to the incomprehensible act of another. These beloved children were enjoying their schoolday, looking ahead to the holidays right around the corner, their futures filled with such promise, snuffed out in an instant. The terror is unthinkable, and it is nearly beyond words. <br />
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I would have undoubtedly grieved with these families before we lost Abbie. The entire nation is grieving today, feeling an angry and confused sadness. But I feel my heart is moved even more for these families since our family's untimely loss. My heart hurts for them in a way I cannot describe adequately here. I will spend much time in prayer for these families over the next days and weeks. I would ask you to do the same.<br />
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"I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my
longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from
you. I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God." <span>- Psalm 38:8-9,15</span><br />
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<span>Lord Jesus, our Mighty Comforter, please come down and hold each of these families in your hands, as You have so clearly held our family in our time of loss. </span><br />
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<br />Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-76021198513389676652012-12-02T19:17:00.000-08:002012-12-02T19:17:06.680-08:00Something HappenedI am still having a hard time putting my own words to paper (or screen) about what happened and all the emotions I am experiencing, that run about the widest gamut that I could possibly imagine. There are times I feel completely numb and in shock, times I feel almost normal, just carrying out the responsibilities of everyday life, and times when I cannot prevent the tears from flowing, to the point where I worry I may never stop crying once I start. So, for now, I will copy the words of the children's book that was gifted to us by the wonderful Child Life Specialist in the hospital, that we have read several times to our children. I am so thankful it is helping our kids (especially Isabel) to deal with the events of the past week as well. <br />
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This book is not written from a Christian perspective, so there is some truth missing from it, as far as us all being able to see Abbie again in heaven someday. We cling to, and believe on, that truth with our whole hearts and every fiber of our beings. But despite the lack of an eternal perspective in the book, I still think it helps Isabel to deal with the truth that Abbie is not coming to live in our house with us as we had planned, as the reality of that will sink in over the next days and weeks. This is the part of the news that made Isabel the saddest when she came up to the hospital, the realization that her baby sister would not be coming home with us. We will all have to come to terms with it anew, on every milestone and significant date we reach (Christmas, Abbie's due date, what would be her first birthday, etc.)<br />
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I will take liberty to change the words slightly, to make it personal for our children. The story comes from the voice of Isabel, so imagine that as you read it.<br />
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<em><strong>Something Happened</strong></em>, by Cathy Blanford<br />
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On the day it happened, everyone woke up happy.<br />
We were all happy about the new baby who was coming to be in our family.<br />
Mommy was happy because she really loved me and Josiah,<br />
and now she was going to have a new baby, too.<br />
Daddy was happy because two kids were great, and three would be even better!<br />
I was happy because I knew that Mommy and Daddy loved me. <br />
I loved them and Josiah and my dog, Ginger, but...<br />
I had always wanted another baby sister or brother.<br />
But that night, something really bad happened.<br />
Instead of going to the hospital to say hello...we had to go to the hospital to say goodbye.<br />
Mommy and Daddy told me our baby had died...but I didn't even know about that.<br />
Our baby died...because something happened.<br />
Nobody knows for sure why it happened. <br />
I was scared that it was my fault, but Mommy and Daddy said it wasn't anybody's fault.<br />
Sometimes bad things just happen.<br />
I wish I could make our baby come back, but our baby is dead.<br />
Our baby can't come back, no matter how hard we wish.<br />
For a long time, everyone at our house felt sad.<br />
Sometimes I had a tummy ache and just felt like crying.<br />
Sometimes I felt really mad and I didn't even want to play.<br />
And then, something else happened.<br />
We planted a tree and flowers in our backyard for our baby.<br />
Now we have a special place to go and remember.<br />
Everyone says that maybe someday we'll have another baby.<br />
Right now, Mommy, Daddy, Josiah, Ginger, and I are still a family.<br />
I love playing with Josiah. I love playing with Ginger. I love playing with Mommy and Daddy.<br />
When I wasn't always sure, Mommy and Daddy helped me know our love goes on and on.<br />
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Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-10166599925254671682012-11-30T18:46:00.002-08:002012-11-30T18:46:24.046-08:00Abbie's Memorial ServiceOur family is incredibly blessed, overwhelmed, and made speechless, by the outpouring of love, support, and generosity that has come during our time of loss and healing. I will dedicate a separate post to that later, after we have fully processed (and are organized enough to give proper gratitude for) all the amazing gestures, kindnesses, and gifts that have come our family's way.<br />
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This post is dedicated to share the details of the memorial service we have planned for Abbie. Any and all are welcome to attend, as we would like to give each one of you a hug to thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and kindness.<br />
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Her obituary is posted <a href="http://www.whitefuneralhomes.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1839762&fh_id=11395">here</a>.<br />
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We chose to hold an open memorial service for her, so that many who have been touched by her short life, can come and celebrate the eternal promise we have in Jesus, that she will live forever with Him in heaven and that we will be united with her again one day. Mother and father will get to hold daughter, and two sisters and a brother will be able to hug, hold hands, and play ring around the rosie until they collapse in giggles on the ground! I envision Abbie as being a blondie like our other two kids, and I can't wait to see all that blond sunshiny hair falling around the girls' faces as they laugh and lie down in the green grass to catch their breath!<br />
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Details are as follows:<br />
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<span class="il">Saturday, December 8th</span><br />
<span class="il">Hosanna</span>! Lutheran Church, 9600 163rd St. West, Lakeville, MN.<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">12:30pm - Public visitation</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">1:30pm - Service</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">2:30 pm - Light luncheon</span></div>
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The mission of the March of Dimes is near and dear to our family's heart, as Abbie was our second child born prematurely. Therefore, in lieu of flowers, we have opened a memorial account for Abbie at Merrill Lynch. Donations can be brought to the service or mailed to our home at 4639 Tamie Ave, Eagan, MN 55123. We intend to use a sizable portion of this account for a donation to the March of Dimes (<a href="http://www.marchofdimes.com/">www.marchofdimes.com</a>). The research this wonderful organization does is critical to reduce the incidence of prematurity worldwide. We still have a long journey ahead to work toward stronger, healthier babies!<br />
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Blessings to each of you - know that God's light and grace are shining down on you from above, with sweet Abbie in his arms. <br />
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With all our love and gratitude,<br />
The Christenson FamilyKristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-22483778724595802672012-11-28T08:32:00.000-08:002012-11-28T13:06:31.984-08:00Isabel and Josiah meeting AbbieOn Monday, after Abbie went to be with Jesus, the kind staff of the NICU told us that we could spend as much time with her that day as we wanted to, and we could even do so in my hospital room so the time would be more comfortable. So they brought her up to us in a beautiful white basket, and she spent the day in my room. We both held her a lot of the time, and were able to extend our time with the physical body of our precious girl, even though we knew that her spirit and soul were even at that moment looking down on us from above, where she was resting and rocking in the arms of our Savior.<br />
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A Child Life Specialist from the NICU came up to visit with us as well, to provide support, advice, and recommendations on how to best share the loss of a baby with the other children in the home. We talked a lot about Isabel and Josiah and where they each are developmentally. She provided us with some recommendations on what language to use and also provided us with some really helpful children's books that are written specifically to help siblings deal with the loss of a new baby who they were expecting to come home and live with them. After reviewing all the information she provided, Luke and I talked privately and decided ultimately, especially for Isabel, that it would be good to have them come and meet baby Abbie in person, to be able to see her, touch her, hold her, and have that physical memory and photographs to help them continue to process this loss as they grow. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHZnN0EGs0cg8F_Mxc_4vYPPO_9-n_SJznB0spHhDsYN6SbIMOrMkGEwgO0eIYmjOS6QyeB69QVzrZ79Ig0dBFWiZvknov1EH6p3ELIxghBQIicuexiclxU0XOhwVZtuXzMxSrPygReFA/s1600/photo+4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHZnN0EGs0cg8F_Mxc_4vYPPO_9-n_SJznB0spHhDsYN6SbIMOrMkGEwgO0eIYmjOS6QyeB69QVzrZ79Ig0dBFWiZvknov1EH6p3ELIxghBQIicuexiclxU0XOhwVZtuXzMxSrPygReFA/s320/photo+4.JPG" width="320" /></a>Our wonderful nanny, Kalli, brought the kids up to the hospital in the evening, and left them with us for awhile so we could have some private time as a family of five. We knew Josiah's attention span would be shorter, so Kalli stayed at the hospital and took him back from us after a little bit, so we could spend some additional time with Isabel explaning the events of the day to her at her level and answer any questions that she might have. This extra time was really helpful to have with our firstborn daughter and her curious spirit. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8E47pohi13jJUzVpV5e8e-3ySk7EQV1rXEsC2Xi9heWNiDKevmCEIzl2sk-miMUU9dUVl3nCiOYLviAO5NmrYlvC-dx9SPgEcgrSzDbP3lYAVraiIapfxXu2VwQa2RYpcU2gchyphenhyphen8glKw/s1600/photo+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8E47pohi13jJUzVpV5e8e-3ySk7EQV1rXEsC2Xi9heWNiDKevmCEIzl2sk-miMUU9dUVl3nCiOYLviAO5NmrYlvC-dx9SPgEcgrSzDbP3lYAVraiIapfxXu2VwQa2RYpcU2gchyphenhyphen8glKw/s320/photo+1.JPG" width="240" /></a>Isabel's was thrilled to learn that she had a baby sister (she had been convinced from day one that the baby was a girl!), and then when we explained that Abbie was just too little and sick and that she wouldn't be coming home with us and instead went to live with Jesus right away, Isabel crumbled into a solid few minutes of sobbing (which made my tears flow also). We gently assured her that Abbie was in a better place, and we would see her again one day when we are all in heaven. This seemed to help her. Isabel has a very vivid picture of heaven in her mind, and talks about it often. She is convinced it will be filled with all the things a little girl would love...princesses, mermaids, Barbies, etc. So I told her that when we are all there someday, she will get to show Abbie everything and they can play together as sisters. I look forward to seeing that day, when Isabel gets to be a big sister to Abbie the way she has been dreaming of doing for the past 5 months since we have known a new baby was coming. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv6PU7tUc9As5Xf1kRkllsDHj31RdJ_tWNGyb6TpHfNAWQKPIhsBS_LPy5LT9-WMbRnGq4ES2l8yDEtheLVHNp-GCUQsKCCJwVb4tVwsG6g4wqUyB7WmpdOt5etY3gbGXLwFpGLWzaxT0/s1600/photo+3+(2).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv6PU7tUc9As5Xf1kRkllsDHj31RdJ_tWNGyb6TpHfNAWQKPIhsBS_LPy5LT9-WMbRnGq4ES2l8yDEtheLVHNp-GCUQsKCCJwVb4tVwsG6g4wqUyB7WmpdOt5etY3gbGXLwFpGLWzaxT0/s320/photo+3+(2).JPG" width="240" /></a>Isabel wanted to see all of Abbie's body parts (her arms, her feet, her tummy, her back, her bottom) - almost as if she wanted to make sure she was a real baby and not a very lifelike doll. This reinforced our decision to have her meet Abbie physically, because we would not have been able to answer these types of questions had Abbie not been there with us. At the end of our visit, Isabel held Abbie and sat beside me in the bed while I read her the book <em>Something Happened,</em> which is a children's book written for families who have experienced the loss of a baby. The words in this book were very soothing to my heart, Luke's heart, and hopefully Isabel's heart as well. When Luke took the kids home for bed that evening, he once again read this book separately to each of them, helping them to each understand about their baby sister in their own unique way. We have been told by many that children grieve over weeks and months just like adults, so we will continue to help each of our children process our loss for as long as they need us to.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtWNTG8Fietk0mln4YB_NVJZklI6GABnokMGpTRL5KrVQDtPDVzF90IDOww8c1YcBoqHTl0mvqMU_ZMjRq6GjP6YiHWUOEN_O1ptwWi2KTwxwveJ1eeVTIsh-xqMdNHXfWNjpqyWkbSZ0/s1600/photo+5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtWNTG8Fietk0mln4YB_NVJZklI6GABnokMGpTRL5KrVQDtPDVzF90IDOww8c1YcBoqHTl0mvqMU_ZMjRq6GjP6YiHWUOEN_O1ptwWi2KTwxwveJ1eeVTIsh-xqMdNHXfWNjpqyWkbSZ0/s320/photo+5.JPG" width="320" /></a>As a friend reminded me last night during our time of prayer, I am now, and always will be, a mother of three children. We will honor Abigaile's memory by continuing to teach our children about the love we have for her, as they grow older and we experience all the joy that there is to come in watching the two of them grow and live their lives. Isabel, Josiah, and Abbie have all been true blessings to us, and we are proud and humbled to have been chosen to be their parents. For God to have entrusted these precious ones to us for a time, when He loves them even more than we can understand or fathom, is truly an amazing thing.</div>
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Love and blessings,<br />
The Christenson FamilyKristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7383449292552838238.post-51851043062898632972012-11-26T13:40:00.002-08:002012-11-26T13:40:27.848-08:00November Baby<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvUesK9ju0KJGDXLPgCRMY0_9t2xTR_Z7ktOEw13DI0AaoJIGvHslmRTedE9hqgmDbba_JifT2hNY2iMOrNMBS0HaIRDjsVrfMg76A1oiFkpmGqWeDQ3s9xjEJFH1i6e4s50y6oJPm9FQ/s1600/Abbie1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvUesK9ju0KJGDXLPgCRMY0_9t2xTR_Z7ktOEw13DI0AaoJIGvHslmRTedE9hqgmDbba_JifT2hNY2iMOrNMBS0HaIRDjsVrfMg76A1oiFkpmGqWeDQ3s9xjEJFH1i6e4s50y6oJPm9FQ/s320/Abbie1.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
Last night at 12:27am we welcomed into the world, very unexpectedly, a precious, perfect little miracle who we named Abigaile Grace. Abigaile for "The Father's Joy" and "Grace" for the grace of God. She was born at 23 weeks, 1 day of gestation, just barely considered viable and the age that the wonderful doctors and nurses of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit here at Children's Hospital St. Paul would do everything in their power to keep her alive at such a delicate age. She came out kicking her legs (Luke gave me the play-by-play since he could peek over the curtain during my C-section), and for the next many hours, they worked on stabilizing her, via breathing tubes, chest tubes, IV's, and all sorts of other things I can go into more detail on later. I got to see her for the first time at 4:00am. Beautiful!<br />
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At 9:00am or so, we got an urgent call from the NICU team to come down right away because they were doing CPR on Abbie. 5 minutes before that, I would have told you it would take me a good half hour to get out of my bed. Give a worried, loving mama that kind of call, and you have never seen a post-C-section woman move so fast in all your life. I was in the wheelchair in less than 2 minutes, and we headed down to see our daughter. When we arrived, the neonatologist told us they had been attempting CPR for upwards of 5 minutes and Abbie was not responding. Even if they were able to resuscitate her at this time, the risk of permanent brain damage were very, very high, and she told us she thought this was Abbie's way of saying her organs were just too little to survive outside of mama's womb. Her recommendation was to stop the resuscitation attempts, and we consented. <br />
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Immediately now we got to hold our precious little girl. We spent two hours with her before she ended up going off into the arms of Jesus. We sang to her, talked to her, told her how much we loved her, and Luke even gave her a sponge bath. She was one loved baby in those short couple of hours. She has been, and is even now, The Father's Joy, and she is rocking in the arms of her Heavenly Father where we will see her again one day. And, we like to think that Jesus will also give her lots of time to be rocked and loved on by Grandpa Dave, who preceded her journey to heaven by 5 1/2 years. He hasn't gotten to hold a grandbaby yet, and he loves babies, so now he will help care for her until we meet again one day!<br />
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Our family sincerely appreciates all your prayers, love, and support, and we will provide more detail on this blog over the next days and weeks, to fill in the missing information from this initial post and to answer any questions. <br />
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Love and blessings,<br />
Kristy and Luke ChristensonKristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867064600301750905noreply@blogger.com5