Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Sounds of life, sounds of death

As I sit here on my computer, browsing through pages and pages of baby loss blogs (these mothers and fathers help me through this journey, in ways I cannot even come close to describing), I hear my 3 1/2 year-old son crying from his bed upstairs (it is 11pm). I throw off the blanket and set aside the laptop, and rush upstairs. I know it is probably a bad dream, or he is too hit, or can't find his paci (he does this around this time of night, about 50% of the time).

I enter his bedroom quietly, but making a shushing sound so he knows it is me. He almost instantly stops crying but is still upset. I remove some of his blanket layers, because he does feel hot, and I grope around for his paci in the dark and hand it back to him, where he sleepily inserts it back into his mouth, all without opening his eyes.

On a normal night, I would now quietly exit the bedroom, because we have always been firm believers in teaching our children to soothe themselves back to sleep. But on this night, I pause. I kneel down beside his bed, take his hand in mine, lean my head on the edge of his bed, and watch him....listen to him.

He cries at night, which is sometimes tiring, because he is a little old to be doing this as much as he does. But I am more tolerant of it these past 8 months, because I will never hear her cry. I never once heard her cry.

He breathes, deeply, in and out. His lungs are working perfectly. Hers were barely formed, never working on their own, and at the end they were punctured and damaged from the wonderful doctors and nurses trying to save her life.

His heart beats, steadily, in his chest. Hers was so erratic when we heard it on the monitors in the hour or so before she was born by C-section. Her baseline was 190 and then when I would have a contraction, it would drop into the 50's. That sound, more than any I have ever heard, haunts me to this day and I can hear it, as clearly as if it was yesterday. It was the sound of doom, the sound of terror, the sound of a mother's worst nightmare coming. She was coming, and it was far too soon. We tried everything to stop it, but my labor was too far gone, my body that likes to pop babies out fast, was already progressed too far and she was under too much distress.

Our son has a major medical condition, not one that would be obvious to anyone around him, but a serious condition nonetheless. I have not lived in fear about this, for the most part. But tonight, as I knelt by his bed, watching him for many minutes, I prayed, in the very depths of my mama's soul, "Please, dear Lord, keep him safe and healthy. Please do not take another child from me. I am begging you. Please do not take another child from me."

I do not know where my breaking point would be, but I am hoping and praying I am never tested by the loss of another child.

Every moment, with every child, is absolutely precious.

1 comment:

  1. Has anything ever bothered you in life? Do you
    have any problem you need to solve? A pending
    court case you want to resolve in your favor?
    Health, relationship and finance. Welcome to
    the world of miracles and wonders, there are
    supernatural treasure and power to liberate
    mankind from all afflictions. Why cant you live a
    life of your dream? Why must you work so hard
    and yet earn so little? Why cant you be happy
    with the one you love and desire or why cant the
    one you love reciprocate and appreciate that
    love? Why would the doctor tell you there is no
    solution or cure to your problems? Why would
    your lawyer say you stand no chance, that your
    case is hopeless? Have you been cheated by
    anyone or those owing you money refuse to pay
    back? Do you need a rapid job promotion in
    your place of work? You want to venture into
    politics? Now I understand certain things are
    hard to believe and comprehend, but all I ask
    from you is only 3 days and if you will follow my
    instructions and use the items you will receive, I
    promise your life will never be the same
    again.If you find no relevance in the help I offer
    I solemnly appeals do not be vindictive and go
    in peace. And if your intentions are to take
    advantage of the powerful nature of our items
    for the purpose of evil, I will not have any
    business with you please be advised. May
    angels guide you. All inquiries should be
    directed to the Priest Abija email below Email:
    spirituallighthealing101@live.com or
    you can sent a text message to this number:(518) 303-6207!